Mental
by strawberryantacids
Summary: To Sirius Black, there are two types of girls. Girls who adore him, and Slytherins. No one else should matter, right? This is the story of a muggle-born girl who made a terrible mistake and deals with the consequences every waking moment. Warnings inside.
1. Boyfriend Thief

_Warnings; eating disorders, smoking, adult language, and terrible writing._

_This is a by product of watching too much skins. _

_Don't feel to pressured to give me feedback. It's not like an author thrives off it, you know. _

* * *

"You're kidding me."

Albus Dumbledore smiled knowingly at the dark young girl over the mahogany dinner table. In his decades of teaching, and visiting the homes of young muggle-born children for the first time to invite them to his school, he had seen brilliant minds, and not so brilliant minds.

He had seen eleven year old girl's and boy's faces light up upon hearing that the fantasy world they had read about in books and seen on television was reality. He had seen expressions of curiosity, disbelief, and even horror.

But it was quite rare that he ever saw the look of morbid amusement that danced upon Violet Lukin's pale face as the Headmaster spoke.

"You've got to be kidding me. Great joke mum, get a great big robed man with a beard down to his ankles to tell me I'm a real witch. Was this one of the counselor's plans to get me to be more expressive? He's really gone to the extremes this time."

"No, I- I swear.."

It was quite pitiful how a mother could cower under her eleven year old daughter's aggressive gaze.

"Really Violet, it would explain a lot.."

"Except that _magic isn't real!_"

"Oh but it is, Violet! Magic is as real as you or me," Dumbledore pressed, with a twinkle in his eye. "At Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, you can learn all about magic, and even perform magic, to your wildest imaginations."

It was five years ago today that Violet Lukin found out about the Wizarding World. It had turned out, in fact, that magic was very much real, and had changed her life dramatically over the course of the last five years.

She had learnt courses of magic, taken exams, made friends, and then lost them. She had made terrible mistakes.

In a short three weeks, she would be rejoining the magical world.

Looking in the bathroom mirror for the first time in days, she didn't think she was ready.

Pale, fat, and ugly. Bleached hair matted and dirty, from weeks of not looking after it, reached down to her middle back, her dark brown roots showing through the white blonde. She smelled terrible from lack of showering. She hadn't left the house since she arrived home from school, and all she had done was eat and sleep. It showed.

How was she going to get anyone to like her again if she was so damn ugly?

She undressed out of her shabby pyjamas and walked into a hot shower, determinedly and roughly scrubbing every inch of her body.

_I'm finally going to stop lying around feeling sorry for myself_, Violet told herself, as she towel dried her hair and stepped naked onto old, dusty scales.

130lb.

Violet felt a familiar suffocating sadness settle on her chest as a dry sob choked in her throat. Taking deep breaths, she refused to cry, instead wrapped a towel around her waist, and walked down the hall to her room.

Violet's bedroom was in a similar state to her. Dark, disorganized and cluttered.

She didn't bother to turn the light on as she dressed in a loose floral tank top tucked into a black high waist pencil skirt with a black cardigan, followed by dark tights and combat boots, or as she applied layers of make up, and blow dried her hair. She wasn't even sure if it worked any more.

Studying herself in the mirror, she reached into a handbag lying carelessly on the floor, and lit a cigarette. She looked every part the troubled teen she seemed to be.

She glanced back at her open trunk on the floor, overflowing with candy wrappers, old clothes and school robes, crinkled parchment, everything else hadn't bothered to unpack over the last month. Sitting on top of the mess however, was a small, unopened envelope, on it marked in bright green ink;

_Miss Violet Skye Lukin, _

_43 Cadogan Street, Chelsea._

It arrived three days ago, with a small tawny owl pecking at her window, and she'd merely chucked it aside. But today was as good as any to face demons.

Violet sat on her dishevelled bed, and blew a lungful of dirty smoke onto the rough parchment, opening the seal carefully with her free fingers.

_Dear Ms. Lukin,  
Please note that the new school year will begin on September the first. The Hogwarts Express will leave from Kings Cross Station, platform nine and three quarters, at eleven o'clock. Fifth years are required to take OWL's and we trust that you will take them very seriously. Remedial courses will be under way for those who need them.  
A list of books for the year is enclosed.  
Yours sincerely,  
Professor M. McGonagall  
Deputy Headmistress. _

Violet skimmed over the letter several times before her breathing eased. She butt out the cigarette into a plate on the floor and pulled out the last page.

_Fifth year students will require;_

_The Standard Book of Spell, Grade 5 _by Miranda Goshawk  
_Complex Potion Brewing, Grade 5_ by Sabre Fox  
_Defending Yourself Against the Dark Arts _by Tobias Fredricks  
_The Practice of Dueling_ by Fabian Goldsmith  
_Surviving OWL's_ by Kathryn Venning

There. That didn't seem so bad.

Violet skimmed the letter over a few more times over, and stood with butterflies in her stomach.

Stuffing her book list, wand, purse, and deodorant in her handbag, she headed downstairs to the kitchen, where she found her mother at the kitchen table, looking drawn, reading yesterday's paper with a coffee between clasped hands.

"Why are you out of bed, darling?" She asked vaguely, glancing up before going back to her reading. "You're dressed. Are you going somewhere?"

"Yeah. Yeah I'm doing my school shopping." Violet replied, eyes glued to the back of her mother's head.

"Oh that's nice dear. Don't stay out too late."

"It's only ten thirty."

"Oh, that's nice. Hmm."

"I'm thinking of getting a nipple piercing."

At the lack of reply, Violet picked up a small vase filled with several dying roses, let it linger in her fingers for a few seconds, then let it drop.

Jo Lukin gave a start at the smash, and turned around to her daughter with a look of terror on her face.

Flashing a sarcastic smile, Violet walked through the glass, crushing it under her combat boots, and out the door.

* * *

"Where are my _fucking cigarettes_?" Violet cried to herself as she walked out of the chemist, hair bleach, purse, phone, deodorant, and every single receipt that was at the bottom of her bag in hand, staring at the bottomless pit as though they'd magically appear, which is what the young witch hoped.

Dumping everything back in her bag, ignoring disgruntled looks from passerbys, she set off down the pathway to the nearest bus stop to Charing Cross Road, throwing her hands up in frustration.

There was a enormous bang, and a huge, bright purple bus sped down the road toward her at an alarming speed. Looking around wildly, nobody else seemed to have noticed, or was paying it no mind. Surely even muggles aren't daft enough to not see a great big _triple decker_ bus, which had now parked in front of her.

It was definitely magical.

She stared up at it in awe.

The door opened with a flourish and a lanky, spotty boy with straw coloured hair in a uniform the same colour as the bus stepped off.

"'Ello." He greeted warmly. "You called for the Knight Bus, eh?"

"Uh. What?" Violet asked dumbly.

"Stuck ya' wand hand out, din'cha?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Name's Sam Fairfax, I'll be ya' conductor. And this is Ernie, innit?" Sam pointed to a small wizard at the wheel of the bus, who paid no attention.

She sat on the first available seat, ignoring how filthy it was, and the snores of the sleeping elderly witch behind her.

"And how much does this cost?"

"Where ya' headed, darl'?"

"The Leaky Cauldron."

"Six sickles. But for eight ya get 'ot chocolate, and for ten ya get biscuits of your choosin'."

"Um," Violet dug through her purse and held a hand of muggle money forward. "I don't have any sickles, sorry." She apologized lamely.

"Not ta worry!" Sam cried gleefully, snatching the coins out of her palm and staring at each one in wonder.

"Leaky Cauldron, Ern!"

There was another colossal bang, and Violet was thrown back in her seat as they accelerated forward at amazing speeds, weaving in and out of traffic.

Violet felt herself go green and clenched her jaw shut against the rising nausea. _Why must all wizard transport be so extreme. _

"Wanna biscuit?" Sam asked, waving a rusty tin in front of her face. She shook her head violently as another wave of nausea hit. "Don't say much, do ya?"

The pale witch was glad to arrive out the front of the small, dingy pub. Thanking Sam and Ernie, the small bespectacled wizard, she made her way inside, fighting the anxiety that threatened to rise over the small crowd.

Tom the barkeep smiled warmly at her as always as she weaved her way through the room, trying not to bump or push anyone. She made her way out the back, took a deep breath, readying herself, and tapped the wall with her wand in the familiar pattern.

This was it. Diagon Alley. _Get in; get out before seeing anyone from Hogwarts_.

Easy.

Violet quickly changed her pounds over to galleons at Gringotts, and strode down the busy street, looking longingly at the ice cream parlour that sparked up hunger pains, and disregarded Madam Malkins Robes for All Occasions and Quality Quidditch Supplies, for she didn't need new robes, or a broomstick. She was bullocks at Quidditch.

She slipped into Flourish and Blotts, where there were several other children her age already browsing the shelves. Ignoring the stab of anxiety from her stomach, she quickly made her way to the desk and waited for the manager to assist her.

"Mum, I already told you, I don't _need _every book there is about OWL's! What kind of smart young lad like me needs six books on taking some silly exam?"

The loud, obnoxious voice was quieted by a mother's hush and snickers from another boy.

"A little reading would do you good too, Sirius, dear. Relax whatever it is in your brain that makes you so mischievous. Just look at Remus!"

This was followed by a roar of laughter, and it was obvious to Violet who it belonged to now.

_Oh God no, God, no! Anyone but them, please. Where is that damn manager?_

There was another boom of laughter behind her, causing Violet to start and turn around. Standing behind her was no other than James Potter, his arms full of heavy books.

"S-Sirius!" He howled, shaking with repressed mirth. "Sirius, come look who it is! It's Violet the boyfriend thief!"


	2. Okay

_Warning: eating disorders and adult language._

_I got the information that Alice Longbottom's maiden name was Fortescue off of harry Potter Wiki, but I'm not sure if this is correct._

* * *

After an eternity of what felt like little preparation at all, Violet found herself standing outside the barrier of Platform nine and three quarters, with trunk in tow.

The introvert part of herself internally screamed flee. And the extroverted part of herself, well, she didn't have one anymore.

She passed successfully through the wall and entered the hustle and bustle outside the Hogwarts Express. The platform was as overcrowded with tearful mothers and huddled families as ever, young children running around after each other and laughing or waving older siblings goodbye.

Trying to ignore the stab of anxiety, Violet pushed her freshly white blonde hair out of her face, and pressed through the horde of people with a flurry of "excuse me" and "sorry", pulling her heavy trunk behind her.

She successfully made it onto the train with as little human interaction as possible, heart beating fast and breathing heavily.

Without any friends to stand around and catch up with, she quickly found an available compartment, shoving her heavy trunk under the seats because let's face it; after two and a half days (and counting!) without food, who's strong enough to lift a case full of clothes, robes, heavy spell books, a cauldron, a set of scales, and Merlin knows whatever else she had accumulated over the years.

She settled herself comfortably in the corner, grabbed _Hogwarts: a History _out of her bag, and skimmed uninterestingly through the pages. She didn't really want to read it; she just wanted to look busy for the people walking past with their friends, peering through the window for an empty compartment.

Some other fifth years, like Charlie Kenwood laughed as they saw her sitting alone. Violet ignored them, burying herself into a chapter about some Chamber of Secrets. She flicked towards to back of the book, looking for more on Slytherin when the compartment door slid open and the real deal stepped in front of her.

"Oh." Snape muttered. "I didn't realise this compartment was taken."

"Don't your lot normally sit at the other end of the train?" Violet asked, raising an eyebrow. "Or are you lost?"

His ruffled, surly demeanour showed he would very much rather to be toward the back of the train.

"Everywhere else is full." He replied snarkily, and walked in without asking for a blessing.

Violet didn't bother to reply, fastening her eyes onto a random page of text as Snape heaved his worn trunk onto the rack, and settled in the opposite corner of the small room, opening a thick dark book. The train started its journey, and the silence carried for another two hours. It felt like an eternity.

The light haired teen was starting to get extremely bored, unable to focus on one thing for so long. One thing she missed from the muggle world was the television in her room. She'd barely walked fifty meters away from it all holidays, and now she was missing it dearly.

She sat still in mental agony for another twenty minutes, scared to move and break the awkward silence with the Slytherin, not that she cared about his discomfort. But was saved by the kind little old lady that pushed the food cart, asking brightly if either teen wanted any sweets. Both declined, but as soon as she closed the door Violet's abdomen gave a loud growl.

She shifted in her seat, holding her pained stomach self consciously as Snape looked up from his book surreptitiously. "Are you hungry?" He drawled.

"Not really." She replied casually, looking anywhere but the dark boy.

"Why didn't you get anything to eat?"

"I'm not hungry? I don't have any money anyway."

"Oh," was his simple reply, before curling into to his book again.

This had to be the most boring train ride Violet had ever experienced.

She thought back to her first, where she'd sat in a compartment by herself for half the trip before Lily Evans and Dorcas Meadowes had joined her. She and Lily had marvelled over chocolate frog cards while Dorcas, a half blood, laughed at them, showing off her collection of fifty seven.

She missed her friends, and she couldn't wait to get to Hogwarts just so she didn't have to sit in a stupid awkward compartment with Severus Snape. She was torn out of her thoughts by said boy.

"It's nearly dark. We should get changed." He muttered, retrieving his trunk and pulling out his robes, shirt, and tie, then leaving. Violet got up slowly after him, pulling the blind down and locking the door, then stretched her arms and let out a groan of appreciation. She'd changed her Sex Pistols singlet for the white school blouse, tucking it into her high waisted jeans when there was frantic knocking at the door, and Snape almost fell inside as she unlocked it.

His robes and hair were dishevelled and he looked upset, but he sat back in his corner as through nothing happened. "What?" He demanded at her stare.

She didn't know what, so she picked up her robe and slid it over her head as the door slammed open again. Both winced at the bang.

"Severus I'm _sorry_!" A familiar voice cried. Violet coaxed her arms through the respective sleeves and tugged the mass of fabric off her face and stared at Lily, who looked rather upset.

"Why were you talking to_ them_?" Snape growled up at her, crossing his arms.

"I wasn't- ugh Severus it's _Potter and Black_!" She shrieked. "Get a grip!"

She turned to leave, throwing a "bye Violet" over her shoulder as an afterthought.

The gorgeous red head hadn't talked to her since a week before term ended the school year before, after Violet had gotten into a heated row with Alice Fortescue ending up with her being pushed into the lake, when she couldn't swim. Ever since, Violet had been separated from the group.

"I don't suppose you'd know how to tie a tie would you?" She sheepishly asked the brooding boy, holding up the red and gold garment. Lily had always done it for her.

He raised an eyebrow at her, silkily drew his wand and flicked it at the tie, and it magically tied itself.

"Thanks," she muttered, blushing, as the train pulled up to Hogwarts.

She parted from Severus without a word, and sat in one of the carriages that magically pulls itself along. They ended up sharing a carriage to the castle anyway.

_This is it, the last meal I am coming to for at least a week. _Violet promised herself, as she sat down at the Gryffindor table in between a red headed fourth year and a thin blonde seventh year named Jahsian Ford, who was chatting animatedly with an Asian friend. She wanted to lose a minimum of five pounds this week.

She survived through the Sorting, and Dumbledore's speech of the usual forbiddens and announcements, willing for her cramped stomach not to growl. As the Headmaster gave his word and the tables filled with food, the rumbling was lost in the uproar of appreciation and laughter from the hall of students and teachers alike.

Not wanting to attract any attention, she reached for a bowl of salad and spooned a little of the lettuce, cucumber, and tomato onto her plate, nobody glanced her way twice, and she managed to slip out of the hall when Dumbledore dismissed them the same way. She enjoyed the walk up to Gryffindor Tower, but an anxious feeling started to twist in her stomach at the thought of having to share a dormitory with Alice, Lily, and Dorcas again.

The thought crossed her mind that she should sleep on a couch in the common room.

She sighed as she reached the last step and dragged her feet down the hall to the portrait of the Fat Lady. There was a snooty looking Head Boy standing at the entrance by the name of Henry Christian. He looked down his upturned nose at Violet. "Your tie is crooked." He drawled unapprovingly. "The password is _wingardium leviosa."_

"Cheers." She grunted at him, climbing through the entrance and heading straight up to her dorm.

Nothing could have prepared her for the glares that met her as soon as she walked in the room. Alice and Dorcas were already at their beds, pinning photos onto walls. Both girls shot her a dirty look before turning back around and whispering surreptitiously to each other.

Lily burst into the room, looking stressed and upset, her eyes bloodshot and face red.

"Lily?" Alice asked tentatively. "What's wrong?"

"Damn Potter's already hurt Severus!" The red head cried angrily. "He caught him with a Bat Bogey Hex and he fell over and broke his arm! And when I tried to stick up for him and give Potter detention, Severus got so angry, saying how he doesn't need me mothering him and that I'm such an embarrassment." She wailed, throwing herself onto the neatly made bed beside Violet's. Dorcas and Alice exchanged dark looks over the mention of the dark haired Slytherin, but got up and moved to sit next to their best friend and console her.

"It's okay Lily," Dorcas said quietly, rubbing comforting circles on her back. "He's a prat anyway. Don't listen to him." This only made the girl sob harder.

Violet watched, feeling like an intruder. She didn't think she was ever going to be close with the three girls ever again.

Lily got up and went to the bathroom to shower and calm down, and soon the other three occupants of the dormitory arrived. Tabitha Burton, a pudgy brunette who constantly smiled, and Sariah Patil a pretty girl of Indian parentage who instantly groaned upon hearing the sound of the shower being occupied.

"I'm hanging for a shower so _bad_." She groaned, flopping onto her own bed. Violet checked the clock next to her bed. It was only eight thirty, but she pulled the red curtains around her, changed into her pyjamas, and crawled in between the freshly washed sheets.

She rolled onto her back and stared at the white ceiling for the next few hours, listening to the mutterings of the other girls before they eventually subdued to light, even breathing, thinking about anything and everything before falling asleep herself.

Violet woke when it was still dark. Squinting at the clock, it told her it was five in the morning. She sat up, listening for any signs of the others stirring, and swung her legs out of bed. As quietly as she could, she pulled her uniform, make up bag, and scales out of her trunk, and padded to the bathroom.

After double checking the door was locked, she undressed, and stepped onto the scales.

124lb.

After a whole _three weeks _of dieting, she'd only lost a mere six pounds? She felt disgusted, and grabbed a handful of fat off her stomach. She could survive the next four days without _any food._

_I'm not dealing with this anymore. _

She showered, thriving in the hot water before climbing out of the steam an hour later feeling rather refreshed. With a flick of her wand, she dried her hair, making it perfectly straight and smooth. Hair care methods were definitely her favourite part of being a witch.

She did her make up and dressed in the school blouse, skirt, and tie (the knot still Snape's) with tights and her favourite black combat boots.

She surveyed herself in the mirror vainly, as she did every morning.

She is okay. Today will be okay.

* * *

_A big thank you to the three people that reviewed the first chapter. You guys are the cat's pyjamas._


End file.
